Insert Name Here vanishes up own arse
Police find sphincter in search for missing politician/writer/commentator/influencer
Just insert the name of your own loathsome reptile of choice, choose the phrases most appropriate and voila! Your very own satirical article to stick on the fridge door.
The police were last night investigating the disappearance of well known actor/reality star/presenter/politician turned media commentator Insert Name Here who vanished soon after giving a long and rambling speech that sought, by distortions and an egregious use of false equivalency to incite division by hatebaiting/advance themselves politically/worm their way out of serious criminal charges.
His/Her Wife/Husband/Partner said later to police: ‘Insert Name Here was busily lambasting some progressive policy in a vain attempt to negate their own sense of crushing worthlessness and irrelevance by the use of outrageous claims, easily demonstrable lies and unproved accusations when I heard a gurgle and a choking noise, turned around - and they had vanished.’
A search of Insert Name Here’s podcast studio revealed only a single sphincter lying on the carpet, from which muffled cries could be very faintly heard, something along the lines of how ‘the UK will be an Islamic state by next Tuesday’ and ‘no one knows this but me’ and ‘all those women are liars’ , along with other well-worn diatribes over ‘how racist invective should be protected speech’, ‘the woke brigade are the enemy of the people’, ‘climate change is a hoax’ and some batshit crazy nonsense about ‘space lasers’, ‘traditional values’ the ‘value of patriarchy’, ‘what names people should choose for their children’ and ‘who can go in which toilets.’
The Sphincter was reluctantly stabilised by paramedics and soon identified as Insert Name Here by comparing it to the Police database of known arses. The sphincter was then taken to St Cerebellum’s hospital where doctors attempted the arguably pointless task of unravelling the anus and thus restoring the media commentator.
‘Vanishing up one’s arse is an increasingly common phenomenon in these modern days of Social Media,’ said leading arse specialist Doctor Quatt at a packed news conference yesterday, ‘by a process not fully understood an emotionally inept and morally bankrupt adult who has already exhibited arse tendencies as a child become ‘arsehole curious’ by saying inflammatory dumb shit in public and then, when that achieves the attention their fragile ego crave, they become a bigger arsehole. As their followers multiply and their notoriety increases, they may put their heads up their own arse to shield themselves from any vestige of self-critical thinking or the opinions of others, whereupon it takes only a few more inflammatory posts regarding reverse sexism/toxic wokery/media bias/replacement theory before they are drawn up further into a sense of their own huge self worth and literally vanish up their own arse. Theories on how this is possible are varied, but the most likely explanation is the Earth Goddess Gaia’s way of dealing with the terminally loathsome in a humorously suitable way.’
‘Of course,’ continued Dr Quatt, ‘the victim can spontaneously recover if they come to realise they are not the centre of the universe, and that opposing views do have validity. This has, however, not happened once in the two hundred and sixty-seven cases of InterSphincterism we have studied. It’s like a black hole: once you’ve tipped this far into the dark side, there is no way out. But be aware,’ the doctor added, ‘that the victims do not know they are up their own arse and can carry on communicating as normal. They have constructed a unique selfcentric simulation in their own painfully narrow worldview where only they are the holders of the One Great Truth and anyone with opposing views are blunderers and incompetents.’
‘The recovery prognosis for InterSphincterism is not good,’ added the same doctor ‘as the sphincter of the victim is exerting such a hold on the individual that the only operation with any hope of success is the relatively straightforward Sphincter transplant, where we take a donated arse from a decent person and replace it with that of the sufferer. Unfortunately, in all circumstances in which this operation has been tried, the decent donated arse rejects their new host.’
Jasper Fforde debuted on the NYT best seller list with ‘The Eyre Affair’ in 2001. Since then he has written sixteen other novels which some people say are amusing, satirical, and diverting. Others say they are nothing of the sort. More info at www.jasperfforde.com
Latest publication: ‘Red Side Story’ USA/Canada and UK, 2024.
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If only this would actually happen. There is such a long list of people who like to see disappear up their own arse in the way they have disappeared morally.
Absolutely, morbidly funny. And distressingly accurate.